If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
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Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room