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*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert