I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
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[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.