Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
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If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.