6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
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me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA