The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
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My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
do what now??
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
they really do be looking like this
WTF IS THAT!
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”