[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
You Might Also Like
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED