Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
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Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
*orders delivery*
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing