*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
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responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.