I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

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I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.


If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.


Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that


Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.


I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…


Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.


Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.


Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc


I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”


I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.