I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
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If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
the rocks need my help
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?