@robyn_vo

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

@WilliamAder

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

@Token_Geezer

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

@honeybadgerMel

Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.

@rikpayne

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

@SonOfCha

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

@ChoclairsIndia

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

@skitzoette

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

@kelkulus

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.