ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
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Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.