The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
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All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
when someone compliments me
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
me after eating Cheetos
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone