If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
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I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
This has made my week.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.