All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
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Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
is this how new cars are made??
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change