Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
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This is my emotional support chloroform rag
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.