My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
You Might Also Like
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”