[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
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This dude got his own movie?
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry