wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
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I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty