UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
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me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I am also baked goods
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
happy friday