priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
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The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
My whole life was a lie.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I have a type: disappointing
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉