Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
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I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”