Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
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Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Are these grass-fed oranges?
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
hi why am I like this
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.