*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
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My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.