My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
You Might Also Like
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I falcon love using swear birds
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Breaking news:
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
This makes total sense…
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠