[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
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My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
You deplete me
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING