I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
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Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Baking is just science you can eat.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.