When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother comingππππππ
You Might Also Like
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
A body like this doesnβt just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesnβt go there
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I read an article that began βDuring the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…β and was surprised it didnβt end βcame an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.β
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uhβfailure
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and thatβs what I get for not ordering pizza
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow okβ¦
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasnβt a chocolate cookie
me:
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Put βspreeβ after βkillingβ and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, youβre making a scene
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.