Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
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[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”