interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
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You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
mood
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market