[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
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Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
“I FIXED IT!”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.