*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
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[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,