@SortaBad

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

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@continentlbkfst

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

@ch000ch

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

@Tmoney68

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

@BruceForce

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

@burgerkrang

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

@GreenishDuck

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

@iamkits

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

@FredTaming

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

@Beer4AGoodTime

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.