Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
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“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count