[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
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I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Oh yeah that’s it
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Many hands make light work