Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
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*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled