I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
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You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
good work, everybody
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
mechanics be like
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!