[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
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when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*![]()
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
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On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
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I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer