[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
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“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
This 4th of July, please remember…
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”