Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
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just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.