*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
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Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.