boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
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guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.