Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
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My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!