[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
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4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
“We will wed,” I threatened
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
In Canada they just call them geese
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol