You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
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Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.