If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
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Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.