My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
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My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose