Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
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host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
doing some research
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane