host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
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I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.