My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
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Spring cleaning checklist…
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.