“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

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[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.


8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up


[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*


[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?


If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.


The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.


I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.


I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.