@UncleDuke1969

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

You Might Also Like

@dannyboy7813

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

@chuuew

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up

@iliezabeth

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

@Cpin42

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

@whatsJo

If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.

@myonlymizztake

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

@impaulmccoy

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

@BDGarp

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.