@UncleDuke1969
@dannyboy7813 [Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
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@dannyboy7813 
@chuuew 8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
@iliezabeth [suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
@sofarrsogud Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
@Cpin42 [watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
@whatsJo If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
@myonlymizztake The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
@djdarrellripley My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
@impaulmccoy I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
@BDGarp I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.