“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
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😂 amazing answer
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems