Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
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Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
🙂🙃🥹
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.