Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
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PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell