My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
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8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I will never stop laughing at this
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.